This was inspired by reflections on the recent summer solstice. So hop into your time machine and retrogress yourselves back to June 21:
It started when Zhlub, the Neanderthal, gazed at the infinite vastness of the night sky with all those little white shiny things. After reflecting deeply and longly at the awesome sight he exclaimed... "Wha?"
Thus was born man's quest for the truth about the universe. Ptolemy, Plato, Aristotle, Diogenes, Rama, Buddha, Confucius, Anixemenes, Pythagoras, Eudoxus, Heraclides, Thabit ibn Kurra, Copernicus, Tycho Brahe, Galileo, Newton, Sagan, and thousands of others, famous and fameless, probed the problem.
Finally, during the mid-20th century, give or take a decade or two, there was general agreement on the Big Bang theory. Then, this year, astronomers began to doubt it. Now they think it wasn't a Big Bang, it was just a Feeble Fart.
I have my own idea. After careful observation, comparison and long cerebration I have concluded that our solar systemÑthe sun and the planetsÑis merely a nucleus and electrons, an atom really, that together with the other systems, also atoms, constitutes a starch molecule. As we discover more galaxies and universes we will see that the untold gigazillions of starch molecules make up a cosmic knish. It can be called Lapiner's Large Latke theory.
You want proof? Give me a couple of weeks... I'll think of something.
The days are getting warmer up here. When the thermometer was flirting with the high 90s in the Metropolitan area, we got up to 80 and I started to hear that really, really dumb question. At last there's an answer.
Question: Hey Arnold, is it hot enough for you?
Answer: I don't know, I haven't heard the six o'clock news yet.
Scientists of the United States Weather Service and Air Force meteorologists cooperated in a 10 year, $7.63 billion study and arrived at the positively irrefutable conclusion that it is always warmer in the city than it is in the summer.
My insurance agent called to remind me that my life insurance policy does not cover me in post offices.
The Philistines are at the gates again. They do it every year, sometimes even annually. They want to cut the budget for Public TV. I find educational television useful, enlightening and even educational.
Only last month there was a fascinating show featuring Carl Sagan who explained to would-be astronomers how to count the stars during the summer solstice.
You start by fixing your gaze on a preselected quadrant of the night sky. Then, using the index finger of your right hand you go, "One, two, three, four..."
Add to politically correct glossary:
Under legislation planned by Brooklyn Assemblyman Daniel Feldman, job discrimination because of weight would become illegal in New York. Skinny Danny (5'11", 160 lbs) said that body size prejudice is widespread and that State Human Rights laws that ban discrimination because of race, ethnicity, sex, religion or disability should be expanded to cover those who are "horizontally challenged."
"There is substantial evidence of rampant discrimination against... well, fat people," Feldman said.
I am going to apply for the position of New York State Commissioner of Insurance. I know nothing of insurance. I have no experience or any technical background in the field, but I do possess one important qualification, I'm 45 pounds overweight. And if the new regulations make it necessary, I can easily gain 15 pounds in two weeks.
Or would that make me overqualified?
Barnes and Noble, interesting book titleÑ"Cultural Literacy: What Every American Needs To Know," by E.D. Hirsch, Jr., 250pp, paperback, $9.95. All I need to know for under ten bucks. What the hell did I go to college for?
The ultimate example of the practical application of political correctness is embodied in the writings of that dead, white European maleÑAdolf Hitler.
2/25/93ÑLotsa flak from the White House Press Corps about the jogging track on the White House grounds. It's expected that it will cost something more than $50,000 and will be covered by private contributions. This is one time that political donors can be sure that they'll get a run for their money.
The debate over the drain of funds for Medicare can be easily resolvedÑDr. Jack Kevorkian has the solution.
Listen now to what White House staffers had to say one week:
Hillary and Bill? Nancy and Ron? Eleanor and Franklin? Dolly and James? Nope. Rosalynn and Jimmy, from my column of 7/26/79.
3/28/93ÑSpent two days in a local hospital; supra?ventricular tachycardia. Sixty years a musician and I need a doctor to tell me I ain't got rhythm? I explained to my children that it was not a heart attack so it's OK for them to keep on aggravating me.
Con-sti-pa-ted, n. metabolically challenged.
GOTCHA!